Tag: where is the lie

thoughts on the Elder Scrolls races

lucios-fuckdome:

nuka-rockit:

NORDS:

  •  V I K I N G S
  • probably eat nails for breakfast
  • without milk
  • seriously though these guys have some issues with people drinking milk
  • their fashion sense is basically strapping as many dead animals to themselves as they can
  • punch each other for funsies
  • resolve polictical conflict by via shouting contest

ALTMER:

  • commonly called high elves because they’re so fucking tall
  • fab
  • superiority complex
  • do not engage in magical combat with them because you will lose
  • will not rest until they have complained about everything

BOSMER:

  • smol
  • chillest of the elven races
  • outdoor enthusiasts
  • archery skills to rival legolas
  • won’t eat their vegetables

KHAJIIT:

  • furry
  • Khajiit likes to speak about themselves in 3rd person
  • nomads
  • it’s not breaking the law if no one sees you doing it
  • their hands are their weapons. no seriously they got claws
  • their king is chosen by the moons. I’m serious

IMPERIALS:

  • like building empires
  • not very good at running empires
  • rich bitches
  • still sad because they lost sir patrick steward and his son sean bean
  • slapfights with the altmer 24/7
  • longing for the day when they will get their shit together

DUNMER:

  • Edgelords™

  • their eyes are red their skin is blue they’ll probably set fire to you
  • ghost whisperer(s)
  • their gods tend to hold grudges
  • seriously dont piss of their gods they will fuck you over
  • kind of in a bad place after most of their homeland literally exploded

BRETONS:

  • politics
  • will sell you for one cornchip
  • kind of the elves’ unwanted bastard child
  • secretly really good at magic
  • don’t like their rural cousins in the Reach very much

REDGUARDS:

  • will knock you on your butt
  • P I R A T E S
  • What’s that? You wanna invade their homeland? I’m sorry your authority isn’t recognized in Fort Kickass
  • wanna see a magic trick?
  • no
  • no they don’t

ARGONIANS:

  • lizard
  • can breathe underwater
  • history of getting fucked over by the dunmer
  • tree huggers
  • i still dont understand why their women got tiddies. but they do
  • maids: lusty

ORISMER:

  • mean green killing machines
  • literally trained from birth to hand your ass to you
  • isolate themselves a ot
  • not that they have to try because they get shit from literally everyone
  • master smiths
  • their god may be a bit of a dick sometimes but he looks out for his people
  • resting bitchface

aleatoryw:

Being straight is like being in gryffindor: all the main characters are always gryffindor, there’s tons of merch for gryffindor, and no one’s gonna give you shit for being in gryffindor. 

Being gay is like being in slytherin: everyone has heard of it, but the merch is few and far between so you have to really want it. The only slytherin characters are secondary and morally gray. Some people think you are evil.

Being bisexual is like being in ravenclaw: there is no merch. there are no major ravenclaw characters. people definitely try to lump it in with either gryffindor or slytherin, and there are a few weird stereotypes.

being asexual is like being in hufflepuff:

southern california gothic

sharkodactyl:

  • It is summer. The sun is shining. It is winter. The sun is shining. You aren’t certain, upon reflection, when the last time was that the sun was not shining.
  • You are starting to fear that In-N-Out is not actually a burger chain, but rather a cult. Whenever you bring it up people’s eyes glaze over. They are so hungry. Oh, god, they are all so hungry.
  • You’re fairly certain that one Starbucks store is following you. There wasn’t a Starbucks on that corner a minute ago…right?
  • There is some sort of warp in the space-time continuum near Los Angeles. There is no other explanation for why you have been stuck in traffic this long. No matter what channel you turn the radio to, all you can hear is static. Occasionally: the distant sound of a voice speaking in Spanish, as if trying to convey a message to you from many miles away.
  • When the rain starts, everyone around you panics. What do they know that you don’t?