roman poets as onion article headlines

catullus: Woman Confusingly Tells Area Man She’s Not Interested In Him
lucretius: World’s Top Scientists Ponder: What If The Whole Universe Is, Like, One Huge Atom?
horace: Study Finds Getting Smacked Right In The Mouth With A Goddamn Tree Branch Really Sucks
vergil: Beekeeper Slowly Becoming Bee Hoarder
propertius: Area Man Having One Of His Little Bursts Of Energy Where He Tries To Write A Song
ovid: Oh, God, Area Man Making His Move
tibullus: Smitten Man Can’t Believe Woman He’s On Date With Also Into The Beatles
sulpicia: 45% Of Items In Woman’s Apartment Have Word ‘Love’ Written On Them
lucan: Where Are You Now, When We Need You Most, Rage Against The Machine?
martial: Comeback Much Harsher Than Insult
juvenal: Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga